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Episode MMXXIV

A Few Dopes

It is a desperate time in the Galactic Empire. The Rebellion is in a state of teen and preteen angst. Minions of the evil galactic overlord EMPRESS MICHELLE are searching for members of the Rebel Alliance, formerly doing business as Texacocina, the only Tex-Mex restaurant running out of an old Texaco station on Tatooine. Alongside her faithful servant, DARTH WALLY, Empress Michelle has dealt the rebels blow after blow in their quest for freedom.

PRINCESS ZOE, the rebel leader, continues her quest to unite the E-Gang to fight the forces of the PARENTAL UNIT, the zealous members of the Empress’ circle of Force-wielding clerics, bent on bending the rebels and the E-Gang to their will. Princess Zoe has thus far succeeded, but peril awaits on the horizon as the upcoming battle of HIGH SCHOOL draws near. She has been reluctant to leave the safety of her command center, save for short trips to school to discuss strategy with the E-Gang. Even though her title sounds hereditary, it’s honorary, like Colonel Sanders or Captain Crunch. She volunteered to be one of the student editors of the Rebellion’s middle school yearbook, then was asked to be the student advisor, then Editor-in-Chief when it became readily apparent that no one in the E-Gang was available or interested. Her instructors say her powers in THE FORCE are, quite frankly, terrifying. When not practicing for her upcoming Olympic debut in Door Slamming, Pretending to Practice Piano, or Soccer, she can be found in her room with her headphones, her phone, and a scowl.

JEDI KNIGHT ALEXA has been attempting to use her twin-powers to reinforce the Force, known as FORCE MULTIPLICATION. She has been unsuccessful. She continues to act within her role as a member of the National Elementary Honor Society—no, it’s not made up—to show strong leadership to the next generation of Jedi. Jedis? Jedai? Jedii? She has been named leader of the Dismissal Ambassadors, an offshoot of the Shriners, tasked with making sure the smaller Jedii—yes, that shall be the correct form of the plural henceforth—make it safely to their tauntaun—I mean bus. She studies the ancient texts of the Warrior Cats in order to aid in her fight against the Parental Units. She also collects Pokemon.

Meanwhile, JEDI KNIGHT WILLA has been embroiled in her own campaign against the Parental Unit, trading her trusty light saber for a hardened glower. As her powers in the Dark Side grow, Darth Wally waits patiently, knowing one day she will join him as an apprentice. Or maybe an understudy. At the very least as a sidekick. Additionally, she participates in a host of before and after Rebellion activities, like choir, basketball, soccer, more choir, and extra reading time. She has even begun mastering the Millennial Falc-one. I’m sorry, I’m being told it’s called a unicycle.

Unbeknownst to them, Empress Michelle has been biding her time, infiltrating the Rebellion under the guise of a healer. Unbeknownst to her, the clinic she’s been working at for twenty-one years has little to no connection to the Rebellion. Still, she seems content. She’s taken to baking muffins to keep from strangling Darth Wally with the Force, or even her bare hands. She at one point convinced Darth Wally it would be a good idea to get a freeze dryer to create holiday gifts, but mainly it’s been used to make candy that is easily pilfered by rebel forces.

Darth Wally was asked politely to stop screwing around and publish a damn novel, so he did. As of this crawl, it has one review.

As the rebel losses mount, a lone peace offering was made in the form of a FAMILY VACATION, yet battles continued to rage throughout most of WYOMING, MONTANA, SOUTH DAKOTA, THE ONE MILE OF NORTH DAKOTA WE WENT TO SO WE COULD SAY WE’VE BEEN TO NORTH DAKOTA, NEBRASKA, IOWA, COLORADO, BACK TO WYOMING, AND FINALLY THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH THAT IS TATERSTAN, I MEAN, IDAHO.

Losses were steep on both sides. Neither has agreed to another road trip. Ever again.

They did attempt another peace accord in St. George, on the Planet of Utah. Members of the extended Rebel Alliance were tricked into attending, and while the Parental Units somehow achieve détente during extended negotiations at the breakfast buffet, no long-term resolutions were forthcoming. Though they did go to Zion. Okay, they went near Zion. Fine, they stopped early and had lunch, then called it on account of too many tourists.

It is the end of a long year for the Rebellion, filled with wins and losses. But looming on the horizon are new challenges, both real, and imagined….

And possibly cake….