2022
37 and as Dyngus fell into the pit, he could be heard screaming, 38 “Curse you, Satan’s rancid beard lice!”
1 A traveler approached the group on the road between Jerusalem and Belbiv Devoe.[F] He added his fish and a bag of something called Doritos[G] to the group’s lunch. As he wasn’t hungry, he told them a story to pass the time. 2 “There was a family on a journey.”
“Were they off to be taxed by the Romans?”[H] Ernst the Younger[I] queried.
“To the temple?” Dyngus asked, as he was known to assume all journeys led to the temple.
3 “To a magical place called the Lake of the Craters, in a land called Oregone.”[J]
After a few appreciative nods, he continued. “But as the family set out in the late days of winter, during a break betwixt the spring, when the ice and snow began to wane—”
4 “What the hell is snow?”
“That is unimportant, my son. They set out with few plans, no provisions, and no understanding of how weather reports work.”
5 The disciple Ackbar,[K] the one who loved squid, asked, “Teacher, what is a weather report?”
The traveler waved aside the question. “With their children—three small girls— they alit in their caravan, making many stops, finally reaching a barndominium[L] at nightfall.”
6 Spock,[M] the beloved of the disciple known as Tiberius,[N] nodded sagely. “Truly, I say to thee, the barndominium is an underappreciated domicile.”
“Agreed.” The traveler adjusted his robes and looked to the heavens. 7 “Lo, tho their journey was long, the clouds held their tongue. The family dined amongst the waffles of Liege,[O] many nights in a row, feasting with abandon. Verily, tho I knowest not what they taste of, they returned each night for three days, gorging until their fill had been met. And on the second day, the family made the arduous climb up the side of the volcano to—”
8 “A volcano!” Tiberius gasped. “They are indeed intrepid travelers, filled with the peace and blessings of the almighty!”
9 “I believe they topped off at a Chevron,[P] but this is unimportant. They rode their beast of burden to the summit, encountering clear roads and no traffic, but many cubits of snow and ice had been swept aside their path as if by a mighty plow.”
The disciples oohed and aahed, except Spock, who squinted as his head tilted yon.
10 “Were they attacked by bandits?”[Q] Dyngus asked, glee in his shriveled heart.
“No.”
“Eaten by wolves?”[R]
“No.”
“Tempted by Satan?”[S]
“Not that I know of.”
“Sacrificed by a local religious sect as an offering to their pagan gods?”[T]
11 The traveler tented his fingers and closed his eyes. “I believe they took a stroll along the volcano’s edge and posed for portraits before the crystal blue waters of the lake.”
“And then sacrificed one of their children?”[U] Dyngus was losing what little hope he had.
12 “No, tho the one needed to urinate most egregiously and left a yellow puddle in the snow by a tree.”
The other disciples glanced upon one another. “But surely they were smote for their unclean behavior?”[V]
13 The traveler shook his head.
“Eaten by racoons?”[W]
14 “No, lo tho it is said that they later encountered a herd of elk after consuming creamed ice at a beach called Cannon.”[X]
“What is this witchcraft called ice you constantly yammer on about‽”
15 “A delicacy, given to those pure of heart and clean of bowel obstruction. Or if one has a tooth ache. Or possibly they simply have enough coin for trade.”
“Curse you, traveler! Your story serves no purpose! A parable without meaning!” Dyngus stood and stormed into the desert.
1 Dyngus sat under the shade of an olive tree near the watering hole at Belbiv Devoe. His sandal strap had broken atrixt itself, and he was praying for deliverance, or possibly a new pair of sandals, when the traveler arrived to fill his water pouch.
2 “Not you again,” Dyngus lamented.
“I have needle and thread. Allow me to help.”
Dyngus sighed and handed over the sandal.
3 The traveler began his repair. “A family journeyed to a far away island, deep in a sea near the edge of the earth.”
“Are these the same pagan ingrates who tempted the volcano gods with their urinary disrespect?”
4 “Indeed, tho this happened many moons later. The three children: Zoe,[Y] the one whose name means life, was the eldest and most wise; Willa,[Z] whose name means nothing; Alexa,[AA] a twin to Willa, whose name is used as a gateway to access music and other trivial information, both younger than Zoe by twice and a half years. 5 Michelle,[BB] daughter of Sharon the Iowanite.[CC] Sharon, daughter of Virginia, daughter of Minerva was also on this voyage. 6 And finally Walter,[DD] son of Alex, seeker of fine boxed wine and cheese Danish.”[EE]
“What is a box of which you speak? And why would one make a Dane from cheese?”
7 “They traveled on a giant bird[FF] to this island, called Hawai’i.”[GG]
“I thinkst thou hast pronounced that wrong.”
8 “Did not. They journeyed to a secluded villa set amongst the lava fields, betwixt a pair of volcanoes—”
“Oh here we go with the volcanoes. I bet they live in one.”
“Near one, to be precise.”[HH]
9 “Must they set alight their sackcloth to the heavens to appease their feckless heathen gods?”[II]
“Only during the Great Cleansing, foretold in prophesy[JJ], a time when the parents may frolic nude while the clothes upon their backs dry. But this is unimportant, and unlikely to come to pass until the children have been banished to a far away land called College.”[KK]
10 He continued. “They traveled by caravan betwixt the sprouted bosoms of the twin volcanic mounds, intent on seeing Kīlauea’s fury firsthand.”
“Kīlauea?”
“Unimportant. 11 They saw much sulfur smoke, then a farm with strange trees whose nuts require the strength of ten oxen to merely crack.[LL] 12 Sharon the Iowanite and Walter the Alcoholic roasted beans from a bush along the west coast of the island that, when ground, can be consumed as a tea, but with kick.[MM] 13 Their caravan was accosted by many a local goat,[NN] which the family soon began revering as a mascot. 14 And they even observed the ancient art of vanilla cultivation.”[OO]
15 “What is a vanilla?”
“A bean whose use will not reach these shores for fifteen hundred years. Unimportant. 16 They then visited a man named Ippy,[PP] purveyor of fine local foods, upon which they feasted. Mounds of Kahlua pork, braised belly of the pig, and even porcine ribs.”
“Unclean!”
17 “They returned most nights, as it was the only place they could enter without a reservation or a secret handshake, and continued to gorge upon the unclean roasted flesh of the pig with an unquenchable appetite.”
18 “Did the gods smite them?”[QQ]
“I believe one of the children developed gas.”
19 Dyngus snatched his sandal and attached it to his foot. “Unbelievable!”
“Truly, I say to you, it came to pass, and…where are you going?”
20 “To leap into the fiery cauldron of a volcano!”
The traveler frowned. 21 “Vesuvius[RR] is the other direction, and it isn’t scheduled to blow for another…actually, if you hurry, you just might make it in time.”
1 Dyngus sipped the wine set before him by the owner/operator of the inn. He felt a presence behind him. “Oh for the love of—”
2 “It is I. The traveler. And I see you have yet to find safe passage to Vesuvius. There is still time.” 3 He turned to the woman, Ramada, daughter of Wyndham.[SS] “What he is partaking thereof, so, too, shall I consume, dear woman.”
4 “Leave me to my drink, cursed traveler.”
“Ah, drink. A fine wine, like a story, to be consumed amongst friends and weary companions.”
“Weary. Yes.”
5 The traveler ordered a breakfast from Ramada, who served it complimentarily as they were both guests at the inn.[TT]
6 “I recall the story of a meal,” the traveler began, “served by a family on a great day of thanksgiving.”
“What were they giving thanks for, if I may foolishly inquire?”
7 “Unclear. Legend says it was an annual festival to commemorate peace between native pagans in a far off land and the good Christian immigrants in dire need of sustenance, tho that seems apocryphal.[UU] 8 The natives had little to be thankful for, what with the plagues[VV] brought down upon their house by the Christians, and then the forced relocation of those houses, and the incessant assaults on their villages, and the theft of their land and children. 9 But who keeps track of such things?”
“I would guess the natives. 10 Also, what is a Christian?”
“A rebranding that happens relatively soon.[WW] 11 As I was saying,” he chewed upon his meal. “This is good goat. I bet the people of the island Hawai’i have many a good recipe for a goat’s flesh.”
12 “We’re in Israel, traveler. We have more than enough ways to cook a goat.”
13 “In sha’Aallah.”[XX]
“In who?”
“It means, God willing.”
14 “Whose god?”
“A question with many inadequate answers, if any. 15 Verily, I say unto you, I am off track. 16 The feast of the thanksgiving, celebrated in the year 2022.”[YY]
“That was fifteen hundred years ago!”[ZZ]
The traveler waved it away. 17 “Different calendar. As I was saying, they feasted upon a duck and mashed starch root and berry of cran and bread salad.”
18 “What is a berry of cran?”
“It is red, and tart, and…you would dislike it immensely. The family attempted to roast a goose for the festivities—”
19 “Gluttons! Flatulators! Levites!”[AAA]
20 “They made a pie of an exotic fruit from the west called an apple.”
“Philistines!”[BBB]
21 “But the crust turned.”
“As they no less deserved!”
22 “It stuck to their bakeware.”
“And they died from its unclean nature?”
“No.”
“Acquired irritable bowel?”
23 “No, they gave thanks.”
“For what? Tempting the gods and living to tell the tale?”
24 “I believe it was for the many blessings their family received. 25 The eldest child, Zoe, daughter of Michelle, was learning to play a valved horn called a saxamaphone[CCC], and was no longer causing blood to emanate from the ears of passersby. 26 All three of the children were musically inclined.”
Dyngus sipped his wine and muttered, 27 “Like a dog is inclined to speak in tongues.”
“Though their piano tutors might disagree with my assessment of their abilities.”
28 “What is a piano?”
29 “The twins, Willa and Alexa, daughters of Michelle, began their academic studies at two different schools for the first time. 31 This allowed Willa, granddaughter of Karen, to be among her people—”
30 “Satanists!”
“I believe they prefer to be called nerds.[DDD] 31 And Alexa, niece of Timothy, Stephen, and Jason—”
32 “The three foul bandits who terrorize the road to Syphilis near the land of Red!”[EEE]
“The same! 33 Alexa was recognized as a leader at her school. 34 And Zoe, cousin of Terissa, Amber, Megan, and Isa, began studying at a school of the middle, a high honor among their people.”
35 “Wait, traveler, these children…they are girls?”
36 “Indubitably, I say unto thee.”
37 “Girls at school? Learning‽” Dyngus laughed. “What nonsense! 38 What use does a woman have of knowledge beyond how to make more children and keep the fires warm long enough to make the meal? Your tales are certainly fanciful.”
39 “Their mother is a doctor[FFF]; a healer of the sick.”
Dyngus leapt to his feet, drawing his blade from a scabbard at his waist. “Heresy!”[GGG]
40 “That tis not yet a word.”
“Gaaaaaa!”
1 Dyngus ran from the legionaries who chased him from the spot whereupon he had stabbed the traveler in the buttock.[HHH] 2 Belbiv Devoe begat Tel Evision, which begat Dyptherium, which begat Mylaria, which begat Mt. Phibinaci, which begat Expeliarmus, which, when you go right instead of left, begets Jerusalem, but Dyngus was lost, 3 so he went left, begetting Typhoidia, which begat Einsteinium, begetting Gonnoria, which had yet to be built, so he walked by without noticing, and ultimately led to the road to Delayus. 4 And then Karma.[III]
5 Dyngus was tired at this point, so he stopped beneath an olive tree. The shade felt nice, but the ground was hard and sharp. 6 He let his mind wander, and it soon became as lost as he was. As sun became moon, and night became day, so, too, did morning yield to brunch, whereupon Dyngus felt a presence.
7 His eyes cracked open, falling to a small dog that was intent on sniffing his giblets.
8 “Shoo, foul beast. I knowest not where thine nose has been this morn.” He shoved the dog away.
9 Yet it was not a dog, but a wolf in dog’s clothing. And it had friends. Many, many friends. 10 And soon Dyngus was on the run again, as the wolves took small chunks from his buttock in the same way Dyngus had taken from the traveler’s buttock. 11 For it was written, “When the first wolf howls, so too shall its fellow beasts eat of the flesh of man.”[JJJ]
12 After many miles,[LLL] Dyngus stopped to rest at a well run by Samaritans. Not good Samaritans, but bad ones. 13 And as Dyngus drank from the well, a Samaritan woman approached. 14 “And just what the hell do you think you’re doing, buddy?”
“Drinking, wench, leave me be.”
15 “Ah, Dyngus!” a new voice cried out.
Dyngus hung his head. “Curses. Traveler, I hoped thou had perished.”
16 “Such humor,” the traveler said. “Why, that reminds me of a story. A family was at a large gathering when they received a great gift.”
17 “I hate this family as I loathe you.” “Unfortunately, the gift was a disease.”[MMM]
18 “Thanks be to the gods they tempt, as I be-
[F] Near the Sea of Tranquility.
[G] A snack food thought to originate in Mesopotamia.
[H] Those bastards.
[I] A tax collector of some ill repute.
[J] Historians are divided as to the location of the Lake of Craters, though one intrepid fool thought it might be in modern day North America. He was quietly sacked.
[K] Ackbar is thought to have been from Calamari, a region of southern Italy known for its fishing and wide-set eyes.
[L] A stable that had been modified to serve as lodgings for desperate travelers.
[M] Spock is a registered trademark of Spock Industries, LLC.
[N] Not his real name.
[O] A baked good from the far north.
[P] One of the oldest symbols in human history, thought to be used by a chain of roadside carts outside Jerusalem in the 1st century.
[Q] A common occurrence.
[R] A common occurrence.
[S] A common occurrence.
[T] A less common but all too frequent occurrence.
[U] A common occurrence, one Dyngus was told to stop asking about in Excretions 6:24.
[V] Dyngus was said to take great joy in learning that other had been smote by their god, regardless of why.
[W] Not as common an occurrence as you’d assume.
[X] The same historian who was sacked for proposing North America as the location of the Lake of Craters also attempted to prove that the beach of Cannon was along the Pacific Coast. His name is not to be spoken.
[Y] Archeologists uncovered a tomb belonging to one named Zoe, but it is unclear if this is the same person.
[Z] Her existence is entirely theoretical.
[AA] Like Willa, historians are unclear as to Alexa’s existence, though their names appear frequently in the traveler’s stories, usually as needless foils to Zoe.
[BB] Also referred to as Michellita in some texts, meaning Little Michelle.
[CC] Iowanites were known for their produce and pork products, which made them unclean, but revered by pagans and later Christians once the healing properties of bacon were discovered.
[DD] The traveler refers to Walter as “the lost one” in several texts, possibly referencing that time he wandered the desert for six hours while high on peyote.
[EE] Historians have no idea what the hell this means.
[FF] Possibly a condor, or a very large pigeon.
[GG] Historians aren’t sure if the traveler meant Hawai’i, or possibly Havarti. He had a strange thing for cheese.
[HH] Unclear why someone would choose to live near a volcano unless they were a supervillain.
[II] A common occurrence.
[JJ] See Inhalations 4:20.
[KK] This prophesy refers to a time when all the household’s textiles would be clean simultaneously, something that would require access to a secluded stream to do the laundry naked.
[LL] Sounds like macadamia nuts, but that would be improbable, what with this taking place in Israel, not a tropical island.
[MM] Believed to be one of the first known references to coffee.
[NN] A common occurrence.
[OO] Most likely a mistranslation, as vanilla wouldn’t be discovered for another thousand years.
[PP] A chef of some renown, whose skills at the fire pit were thought to have been sourced from Satan himself. Or herself. Or themselves. No need to give Satan just the one gender. Or any, for that matter. “It” would be fine.
[QQ] Dyngus really liked a good smiting.
[RR] Vesuvius blew its top around 79 AD, probably a decade or more after Dalmatians was written.
[SS] Ramada appears from time to time in the traveler’s accounts. No one knows if there was one woman named Ramada, or several. All seemed to be relatively interchangeable.
[TT] A common practice.
[UU] One can only assume the traveler was speaking of some kind of local cornucopia festival to celebrate the harvest.
[VV] A common occurrence.
[WW] The word first appeared in the Book of Acts, and was written at roughly the same time as Dalmatians, around 37 AD.
[XX] A phrase that didn’t actually emerge etymologically for several hundred years. Most likely a mistranslation.
[YY] Calendars are weird.
[ZZ] The Hebrew calendar says that, at the time of this editing in 2022, we are living in the year 5783. The Chinese say it’s the Year of the Tiger. The meth head I hit with my car thinks it’s the Age of Aquarius. It’s anarchy out there, people! Wear a sweater!
[AAA] Dyngus was not a fan of the Levites, as his many later diatribes in Dalmatians 23, 25, 26, and 35 attest.
[BBB] Dyngus didn’t care for Philistines, either.
[CCC] A precursor to the trumpet, or possibly the saxophone, or even the kazoo.
[DDD] Derogatory term for someone who is smarter than their peers.
[EEE] Quite a bit to unpack on this one, so we’ll skip it.
[FFF] Not sure how this word ends up in Dalmatians, as it doesn’t exist until the 1300s.
[GGG] Again, this word doesn’t become a thing until the 1200s. Probably a mistranslation.
[HHH] A common occurrence.
[III] Archaeologists have attempted to follow Dyngus’s route through the holy lands, but many of the names have changed, or were never called that in the first place.
[JJJ] No one has any idea where this was written.
LLL Talmudic miles, not Roman, as he lacked both Roman citizenship and the ability to do the conversion in his head.
MMM COVID-19, cause of course.
(sigh,eyeroll)
Allow me to translate:
During Spring Break we took a road trip around Oregon. Despite it being late March, we had perfect weather to enjoy a day at Crater Lake. We gorged ourselves night after night at The Waffle Hut in Klamath Falls. In Cannon beach we literally stumbled upon an impressive herd of elk hanging out in a city park.
In the summer, we—along with my mom, Sharon—visited the big island of Hawai’i. After viewing a volcano that was a bit more active than our own Tahoma, we proceeded to eat our way around the island, sampling local macadamias, coffee, chocolate, vanilla, shave ice, and Ippy’s Island BBQ—Five Stars, would highly recommend.
We did some experimental cooking at Thanksgiving. The duck was lovely. The goose was charred and inedible. The apple pie had to be chiseled from the pan. Lessons learned: don’t trust internet posted roasting times, and making a pie crust is not as easy as it appears on The Great British Baking Show.
The girls are now going to three different schools, which means three separate fund raisers all in the same week, three different buses and carpools, and three different sets of rules and regulations regarding what can and cannot be considered appropriate attire.AARP
We thank you all for your generosity in advance because you’re gonna be hit up for money a ridiculous number of times over the next three years. Then it’ll drop down to a merely unreasonable amount.
Zoe is a sixth grader at one of the middle schools.PTA Despite doing great academically, her true love is band. She is learning the saxophone and most days she practices without being hounded, though the local hounds have a few comments on the noise.
Willa has started at a new elementary school where they have a more rigorous academic program alongside “her people.”lll She’s having a great time in third grade.
Alexa remains with the other inmates of Bonney Lake Elementary. Hats off to her amazing third grade teacher and the music specialist, as she is thriving in ways she hadn’t before. She’s excelling not just in the classroom, but also amongst her peers, and is constantly receiving awards for helping others. Her? Yeah, I know, right?
As you can see, Wally is back to work writing after too many years of distractions as a stay-at-home dad. Now if only he’d spend some of that free time cleaning the garage.PG-13
My medical practice is busy, busy, busy as we are getting back to more of the way things were pre-COVID. Although we are still doing car-side visits for potentially contagious patients. That was a lot more enjoyable in the summer than it is in December when it’s rainy, snowy, and DARK BY 4PM‽
We hope this finds you all healthy, happy, and ready to face yet another year.
Love, The Thurmans
AARP Looking at you, Zoe’s midriff.
PTA Not the one we’re zoned for, because it’s the furthest from the house. Or the one that’s the closest. No, we’re sending her to the Goldilocks school. If we find out who draws those zoning maps….
lll She’s with her fellow nerds now.
PG-13 Or his filthy, filthy mouth.
The unplanned excursion
2
1 A traveler approached the group on the road between Jerusalem and Belbiv Devoe.[F] He added his fish and a bag of something called Doritos[G] to the group’s lunch. As he wasn’t hungry, he told them a story to pass the time. 2 “There was a family on a journey.”
“Were they off to be taxed by the Romans?”[H] Ernst the Younger[I] queried.
“To the temple?” Dyngus asked, as he was known to assume all journeys led to the temple.
3 “To a magical place called the Lake of the Craters, in a land called Oregone.”[J]
After a few appreciative nods, he continued. “But as the family set out in the late days of winter, during a break betwixt the spring, when the ice and snow began to wane—”
4 “What the hell is snow?”
“That is unimportant, my son. They set out with few plans, no provisions, and no understanding of how weather reports work.”
5 The disciple Ackbar,[K] the one who loved squid, asked, “Teacher, what is a weather report?”
The traveler waved aside the question. “With their children—three small girls— they alit in their caravan, making many stops, finally reaching a barndominium[L] at nightfall.”
6 Spock,[M] the beloved of the disciple known as Tiberius,[N] nodded sagely. “Truly, I say to thee, the barndominium is an underappreciated domicile.”
“Agreed.” The traveler adjusted his robes and looked to the heavens. 7 “Lo, tho their journey was long, the clouds held their tongue. The family dined amongst the waffles of Liege,[O] many nights in a row, feasting with abandon. Verily, tho I knowest not what they taste of, they returned each night for three days, gorging until their fill had been met. And on the second day, the family made the arduous climb up the side of the volcano to—”
8 “A volcano!” Tiberius gasped. “They are indeed intrepid travelers, filled with the peace and blessings of the almighty!”
9 “I believe they topped off at a Chevron,[P] but this is unimportant. They rode their beast of burden to the summit, encountering clear roads and no traffic, but many cubits of snow and ice had been swept aside their path as if by a mighty plow.”
The disciples oohed and aahed, except Spock, who squinted as his head tilted yon.
10 “Were they attacked by bandits?”[Q] Dyngus asked, glee in his shriveled heart.
“No.”
“Eaten by wolves?”[R]
“No.”
“Tempted by Satan?”[S]
“Not that I know of.”
“Sacrificed by a local religious sect as an offering to their pagan gods?”[T]
11 The traveler tented his fingers and closed his eyes. “I believe they took a stroll along the volcano’s edge and posed for portraits before the crystal blue waters of the lake.”
“And then sacrificed one of their children?”[U] Dyngus was losing what little hope he had.
12 “No, tho the one needed to urinate most egregiously and left a yellow puddle in the snow by a tree.”
The other disciples glanced upon one another. “But surely they were smote for their unclean behavior?”[V]
13 The traveler shook his head.
“Eaten by racoons?”[W]
14 “No, lo tho it is said that they later encountered a herd of elk after consuming creamed ice at a beach called Cannon.”[X]
“What is this witchcraft called ice you constantly yammer on about‽”
15 “A delicacy, given to those pure of heart and clean of bowel obstruction. Or if one has a tooth ache. Or possibly they simply have enough coin for trade.”
“Curse you, traveler! Your story serves no purpose! A parable without meaning!” Dyngus stood and stormed into the desert.
Another volcano
3
1 Dyngus sat under the shade of an olive tree near the watering hole at Belbiv Devoe. His sandal strap had broken atrixt itself, and he was praying for deliverance, or possibly a new pair of sandals, when the traveler arrived to fill his water pouch.
2 “Not you again,” Dyngus lamented.
“I have needle and thread. Allow me to help.”
Dyngus sighed and handed over the sandal.
3 The traveler began his repair. “A family journeyed to a far away island, deep in a sea near the edge of the earth.”
“Are these the same pagan ingrates who tempted the volcano gods with their urinary disrespect?”
4 “Indeed, tho this happened many moons later. The three children: Zoe,[Y] the one whose name means life, was the eldest and most wise; Willa,[Z] whose name means nothing; Alexa,[AA] a twin to Willa, whose name is used as a gateway to access music and other trivial information, both younger than Zoe by twice and a half years. 5 Michelle,[BB] daughter of Sharon the Iowanite.[CC] Sharon, daughter of Virginia, daughter of Minerva was also on this voyage. 6 And finally Walter,[DD] son of Alex, seeker of fine boxed wine and cheese Danish.”[EE]
“What is a box of which you speak? And why would one make a Dane from cheese?”
7 “They traveled on a giant bird[FF] to this island, called Hawai’i.”[GG]
“I thinkst thou hast pronounced that wrong.”
8 “Did not. They journeyed to a secluded villa set amongst the lava fields, betwixt a pair of volcanoes—”
“Oh here we go with the volcanoes. I bet they live in one.”
“Near one, to be precise.”[HH]
9 “Must they set alight their sackcloth to the heavens to appease their feckless heathen gods?”[II]
“Only during the Great Cleansing, foretold in prophesy[JJ], a time when the parents may frolic nude while the clothes upon their backs dry. But this is unimportant, and unlikely to come to pass until the children have been banished to a far away land called College.”[KK]
10 He continued. “They traveled by caravan betwixt the sprouted bosoms of the twin volcanic mounds, intent on seeing Kīlauea’s fury firsthand.”
“Kīlauea?”
“Unimportant. 11 They saw much sulfur smoke, then a farm with strange trees whose nuts require the strength of ten oxen to merely crack.[LL] 12 Sharon the Iowanite and Walter the Alcoholic roasted beans from a bush along the west coast of the island that, when ground, can be consumed as a tea, but with kick.[MM] 13 Their caravan was accosted by many a local goat,[NN] which the family soon began revering as a mascot. 14 And they even observed the ancient art of vanilla cultivation.”[OO]
15 “What is a vanilla?”
“A bean whose use will not reach these shores for fifteen hundred years. Unimportant. 16 They then visited a man named Ippy,[PP] purveyor of fine local foods, upon which they feasted. Mounds of Kahlua pork, braised belly of the pig, and even porcine ribs.”
“Unclean!”
17 “They returned most nights, as it was the only place they could enter without a reservation or a secret handshake, and continued to gorge upon the unclean roasted flesh of the pig with an unquenchable appetite.”
18 “Did the gods smite them?”[QQ]
“I believe one of the children developed gas.”
19 Dyngus snatched his sandal and attached it to his foot. “Unbelievable!”
“Truly, I say to you, it came to pass, and…where are you going?”
20 “To leap into the fiery cauldron of a volcano!”
The traveler frowned. 21 “Vesuvius[RR] is the other direction, and it isn’t scheduled to blow for another…actually, if you hurry, you just might make it in time.”
The parable of the feast of Thanksgiving
4
1 Dyngus sipped the wine set before him by the owner/operator of the inn. He felt a presence behind him. “Oh for the love of—”
2 “It is I. The traveler. And I see you have yet to find safe passage to Vesuvius. There is still time.” 3 He turned to the woman, Ramada, daughter of Wyndham.[SS] “What he is partaking thereof, so, too, shall I consume, dear woman.”
4 “Leave me to my drink, cursed traveler.”
“Ah, drink. A fine wine, like a story, to be consumed amongst friends and weary companions.”
“Weary. Yes.”
5 The traveler ordered a breakfast from Ramada, who served it complimentarily as they were both guests at the inn.[TT]
6 “I recall the story of a meal,” the traveler began, “served by a family on a great day of thanksgiving.”
“What were they giving thanks for, if I may foolishly inquire?”
7 “Unclear. Legend says it was an annual festival to commemorate peace between native pagans in a far off land and the good Christian immigrants in dire need of sustenance, tho that seems apocryphal.[UU] 8 The natives had little to be thankful for, what with the plagues[VV] brought down upon their house by the Christians, and then the forced relocation of those houses, and the incessant assaults on their villages, and the theft of their land and children. 9 But who keeps track of such things?”
“I would guess the natives. 10 Also, what is a Christian?”
“A rebranding that happens relatively soon.[WW] 11 As I was saying,” he chewed upon his meal. “This is good goat. I bet the people of the island Hawai’i have many a good recipe for a goat’s flesh.”
12 “We’re in Israel, traveler. We have more than enough ways to cook a goat.”
13 “In sha’Aallah.”[XX]
“In who?”
“It means, God willing.”
14 “Whose god?”
“A question with many inadequate answers, if any. 15 Verily, I say unto you, I am off track. 16 The feast of the thanksgiving, celebrated in the year 2022.”[YY]
“That was fifteen hundred years ago!”[ZZ]
The traveler waved it away. 17 “Different calendar. As I was saying, they feasted upon a duck and mashed starch root and berry of cran and bread salad.”
18 “What is a berry of cran?”
“It is red, and tart, and…you would dislike it immensely. The family attempted to roast a goose for the festivities—”
19 “Gluttons! Flatulators! Levites!”[AAA]
20 “They made a pie of an exotic fruit from the west called an apple.”
“Philistines!”[BBB]
21 “But the crust turned.”
“As they no less deserved!”
22 “It stuck to their bakeware.”
“And they died from its unclean nature?”
“No.”
“Acquired irritable bowel?”
23 “No, they gave thanks.”
“For what? Tempting the gods and living to tell the tale?”
24 “I believe it was for the many blessings their family received. 25 The eldest child, Zoe, daughter of Michelle, was learning to play a valved horn called a saxamaphone[CCC], and was no longer causing blood to emanate from the ears of passersby. 26 All three of the children were musically inclined.”
Dyngus sipped his wine and muttered, 27 “Like a dog is inclined to speak in tongues.”
“Though their piano tutors might disagree with my assessment of their abilities.”
28 “What is a piano?”
29 “The twins, Willa and Alexa, daughters of Michelle, began their academic studies at two different schools for the first time. 31 This allowed Willa, granddaughter of Karen, to be among her people—”
30 “Satanists!”
“I believe they prefer to be called nerds.[DDD] 31 And Alexa, niece of Timothy, Stephen, and Jason—”
32 “The three foul bandits who terrorize the road to Syphilis near the land of Red!”[EEE]
“The same! 33 Alexa was recognized as a leader at her school. 34 And Zoe, cousin of Terissa, Amber, Megan, and Isa, began studying at a school of the middle, a high honor among their people.”
35 “Wait, traveler, these children…they are girls?”
36 “Indubitably, I say unto thee.”
37 “Girls at school? Learning‽” Dyngus laughed. “What nonsense! 38 What use does a woman have of knowledge beyond how to make more children and keep the fires warm long enough to make the meal? Your tales are certainly fanciful.”
39 “Their mother is a doctor[FFF]; a healer of the sick.”
Dyngus leapt to his feet, drawing his blade from a scabbard at his waist. “Heresy!”[GGG]
40 “That tis not yet a word.”
“Gaaaaaa!”
Dyngus learns of Karma
5
1 Dyngus ran from the legionaries who chased him from the spot whereupon he had stabbed the traveler in the buttock.[HHH] 2 Belbiv Devoe begat Tel Evision, which begat Dyptherium, which begat Mylaria, which begat Mt. Phibinaci, which begat Expeliarmus, which, when you go right instead of left, begets Jerusalem, but Dyngus was lost, 3 so he went left, begetting Typhoidia, which begat Einsteinium, begetting Gonnoria, which had yet to be built, so he walked by without noticing, and ultimately led to the road to Delayus. 4 And then Karma.[III]
5 Dyngus was tired at this point, so he stopped beneath an olive tree. The shade felt nice, but the ground was hard and sharp. 6 He let his mind wander, and it soon became as lost as he was. As sun became moon, and night became day, so, too, did morning yield to brunch, whereupon Dyngus felt a presence.
7 His eyes cracked open, falling to a small dog that was intent on sniffing his giblets.
8 “Shoo, foul beast. I knowest not where thine nose has been this morn.” He shoved the dog away.
9 Yet it was not a dog, but a wolf in dog’s clothing. And it had friends. Many, many friends. 10 And soon Dyngus was on the run again, as the wolves took small chunks from his buttock in the same way Dyngus had taken from the traveler’s buttock. 11 For it was written, “When the first wolf howls, so too shall its fellow beasts eat of the flesh of man.”[JJJ]
12 After many miles,[LLL] Dyngus stopped to rest at a well run by Samaritans. Not good Samaritans, but bad ones. 13 And as Dyngus drank from the well, a Samaritan woman approached. 14 “And just what the hell do you think you’re doing, buddy?”
“Drinking, wench, leave me be.”
15 “Ah, Dyngus!” a new voice cried out.
Dyngus hung his head. “Curses. Traveler, I hoped thou had perished.”
16 “Such humor,” the traveler said. “Why, that reminds me of a story. A family was at a large gathering when they received a great gift.”
17 “I hate this family as I loathe you.” “Unfortunately, the gift was a disease.”[MMM]
18 “Thanks be to the gods they tempt, as I be-
[F] Near the Sea of Tranquility.
[G] A snack food thought to originate in Mesopotamia.
[H] Those bastards.
[I] A tax collector of some ill repute.
[J] Historians are divided as to the location of the Lake of Craters, though one intrepid fool thought it might be in modern day North America. He was quietly sacked.
[K] Ackbar is thought to have been from Calamari, a region of southern Italy known for its fishing and wide-set eyes.
[L] A stable that had been modified to serve as lodgings for desperate travelers.
[M] Spock is a registered trademark of Spock Industries, LLC.
[N] Not his real name.
[O] A baked good from the far north.
[P] One of the oldest symbols in human history, thought to be used by a chain of roadside carts outside Jerusalem in the 1st century.
[Q] A common occurrence.
[R] A common occurrence.
[S] A common occurrence.
[T] A less common but all too frequent occurrence.
[U] A common occurrence, one Dyngus was told to stop asking about in Excretions 6:24.
[V] Dyngus was said to take great joy in learning that other had been smote by their god, regardless of why.
[W] Not as common an occurrence as you’d assume.
[X] The same historian who was sacked for proposing North America as the location of the Lake of Craters also attempted to prove that the beach of Cannon was along the Pacific Coast. His name is not to be spoken.
[Y] Archeologists uncovered a tomb belonging to one named Zoe, but it is unclear if this is the same person.
[Z] Her existence is entirely theoretical.
[AA] Like Willa, historians are unclear as to Alexa’s existence, though their names appear frequently in the traveler’s stories, usually as needless foils to Zoe.
[BB] Also referred to as Michellita in some texts, meaning Little Michelle.
[CC] Iowanites were known for their produce and pork products, which made them unclean, but revered by pagans and later Christians once the healing properties of bacon were discovered.
[DD] The traveler refers to Walter as “the lost one” in several texts, possibly referencing that time he wandered the desert for six hours while high on peyote.
[EE] Historians have no idea what the hell this means.
[FF] Possibly a condor, or a very large pigeon.
[GG] Historians aren’t sure if the traveler meant Hawai’i, or possibly Havarti. He had a strange thing for cheese.
[HH] Unclear why someone would choose to live near a volcano unless they were a supervillain.
[II] A common occurrence.
[JJ] See Inhalations 4:20.
[KK] This prophesy refers to a time when all the household’s textiles would be clean simultaneously, something that would require access to a secluded stream to do the laundry naked.
[LL] Sounds like macadamia nuts, but that would be improbable, what with this taking place in Israel, not a tropical island.
[MM] Believed to be one of the first known references to coffee.
[NN] A common occurrence.
[OO] Most likely a mistranslation, as vanilla wouldn’t be discovered for another thousand years.
[PP] A chef of some renown, whose skills at the fire pit were thought to have been sourced from Satan himself. Or herself. Or themselves. No need to give Satan just the one gender. Or any, for that matter. “It” would be fine.
[QQ] Dyngus really liked a good smiting.
[RR] Vesuvius blew its top around 79 AD, probably a decade or more after Dalmatians was written.
[SS] Ramada appears from time to time in the traveler’s accounts. No one knows if there was one woman named Ramada, or several. All seemed to be relatively interchangeable.
[TT] A common practice.
[UU] One can only assume the traveler was speaking of some kind of local cornucopia festival to celebrate the harvest.
[VV] A common occurrence.
[WW] The word first appeared in the Book of Acts, and was written at roughly the same time as Dalmatians, around 37 AD.
[XX] A phrase that didn’t actually emerge etymologically for several hundred years. Most likely a mistranslation.
[YY] Calendars are weird.
[ZZ] The Hebrew calendar says that, at the time of this editing in 2022, we are living in the year 5783. The Chinese say it’s the Year of the Tiger. The meth head I hit with my car thinks it’s the Age of Aquarius. It’s anarchy out there, people! Wear a sweater!
[AAA] Dyngus was not a fan of the Levites, as his many later diatribes in Dalmatians 23, 25, 26, and 35 attest.
[BBB] Dyngus didn’t care for Philistines, either.
[CCC] A precursor to the trumpet, or possibly the saxophone, or even the kazoo.
[DDD] Derogatory term for someone who is smarter than their peers.
[EEE] Quite a bit to unpack on this one, so we’ll skip it.
[FFF] Not sure how this word ends up in Dalmatians, as it doesn’t exist until the 1300s.
[GGG] Again, this word doesn’t become a thing until the 1200s. Probably a mistranslation.
[HHH] A common occurrence.
[III] Archaeologists have attempted to follow Dyngus’s route through the holy lands, but many of the names have changed, or were never called that in the first place.
[JJJ] No one has any idea where this was written.
LLL Talmudic miles, not Roman, as he lacked both Roman citizenship and the ability to do the conversion in his head.
MMM COVID-19, cause of course.
(sigh,eyeroll)
Allow me to translate:
During Spring Break we took a road trip around Oregon. Despite it being late March, we had perfect weather to enjoy a day at Crater Lake. We gorged ourselves night after night at The Waffle Hut in Klamath Falls. In Cannon beach we literally stumbled upon an impressive herd of elk hanging out in a city park.
In the summer, we—along with my mom, Sharon—visited the big island of Hawai’i. After viewing a volcano that was a bit more active than our own Tahoma, we proceeded to eat our way around the island, sampling local macadamias, coffee, chocolate, vanilla, shave ice, and Ippy’s Island BBQ—Five Stars, would highly recommend.
We did some experimental cooking at Thanksgiving. The duck was lovely. The goose was charred and inedible. The apple pie had to be chiseled from the pan. Lessons learned: don’t trust internet posted roasting times, and making a pie crust is not as easy as it appears on The Great British Baking Show.
The girls are now going to three different schools, which means three separate fund raisers all in the same week, three different buses and carpools, and three different sets of rules and regulations regarding what can and cannot be considered appropriate attire.AARP
We thank you all for your generosity in advance because you’re gonna be hit up for money a ridiculous number of times over the next three years. Then it’ll drop down to a merely unreasonable amount.
Zoe is a sixth grader at one of the middle schools.PTA Despite doing great academically, her true love is band. She is learning the saxophone and most days she practices without being hounded, though the local hounds have a few comments on the noise.
Willa has started at a new elementary school where they have a more rigorous academic program alongside “her people.”lll She’s having a great time in third grade.
Alexa remains with the other inmates of Bonney Lake Elementary. Hats off to her amazing third grade teacher and the music specialist, as she is thriving in ways she hadn’t before. She’s excelling not just in the classroom, but also amongst her peers, and is constantly receiving awards for helping others. Her? Yeah, I know, right?
As you can see, Wally is back to work writing after too many years of distractions as a stay-at-home dad. Now if only he’d spend some of that free time cleaning the garage.PG-13
My medical practice is busy, busy, busy as we are getting back to more of the way things were pre-COVID. Although we are still doing car-side visits for potentially contagious patients. That was a lot more enjoyable in the summer than it is in December when it’s rainy, snowy, and DARK BY 4PM‽
We hope this finds you all healthy, happy, and ready to face yet another year.
Love, The Thurmans
AARP Looking at you, Zoe’s midriff.
PTA Not the one we’re zoned for, because it’s the furthest from the house. Or the one that’s the closest. No, we’re sending her to the Goldilocks school. If we find out who draws those zoning maps….
lll She’s with her fellow nerds now.
PG-13 Or his filthy, filthy mouth.