2020

Report on the THURMAN FAMILY—Operation SPAMALOT—previously Operation Pickled Daring

Special Agent Cindy Klaus, Seattle Field Office

Sir—

As stated in my previous report from Surveillance Van #3, our work observing the THURMAN FAMILY continues. While COVID-19 has hampered our ability to retrieve some of the cameras from inside the house, we were able to install them in the toilets.

I’ve been informed last year’s report was inadvertently misfiled with the evidence from the D. B. Cooper investigation, which miraculously gave us insight into that cold case. We can state conclusively that Cooper’s real name is Alex Thurman.

As for our current assignment, it is as you expected—the Thurmans are, in fact, spies. After careful observation over the last two years, patterns have emerged. Only a total asshat like Agent Nifkin would ever assume that they are normal.

First let me summarize the lost report. The family traveled to Montana last summer. We witnessed what we assumed were several failed brush-passes on their various hikes, but turned out to be SUBEJCTS 4 (Willa) and 5 (Alexa) tripping and falling into various streams.

SUBJECTS 1 (Dr. Michelle Thurman) and 2 (the idiot) went on an Alaska cruise. We were unable to get tickets for the journey, and their movements aboard the ship are unknown. Interviews with members of the crew turned up little, other than their penchant for table tennis, lounging in the spa, and SUBECT 2’s repeated acupuncture appointments with what we can only assume is a crime lord who went by the handle Dr. Fang Lu. We fear she may be some kind of Bond villain, and our interview with her led to AGENT BELK scheduling several sessions to treat his psoriasis. She is a relentless enemy, one we should hire to teach negotiating tactics at Quantico.

Last summer SUBJECT 1 received an unfortunate breast cancer diagnosis, though it appears as if her surgery and treatment were a success. SUBJECT 1 has kept her “day job” as a “physician,” “treating” her “patients” with “kindness” and “compassion.” We’re not entirely sure, as we’ve been unable to replace the faulty listening devices in her exam rooms where she injects patients with medicine.

SUBJECT 2 remains the same useless clod he’s always been. We are confident that any and all nefarious activities being conducted within the family are happening under his nose. One of the bugs in SUBJECT 1’s closet only seems to activate when he is inside, whimpering into a pillow. We do know he had hip surgery in early March, a week before COVID-19 “restructured” his day-to-day schedule, resulting in massive weight gain and what can only be described as “hippy hair.” His mother and step-father were in town when the travel restrictions went into place, and they stayed for three months. The grandmother taught SUBJECT 4 how to read, which will make her co-conspirator should that knowledge become significant later on.

SUBJECT 3 (Zoe, the older one) is of primary interest to us. Her continued nefariousness—alongside SUBJECTS 4 & 5—has caused any number of problems for the team following her. She somehow made it into Fourth Grade, and according to her teachers, is a model student. We assume she has obtained the blackmail information necessary to coerce positive responses from these brave public servants who have no idea how dangerous a situation they are in, even over Zoom.

SUBJECT 4 (Alexa, one of the twins—the brunette, I think—hard to keep them straight) has become enamored with tigers, and while she somehow dodged our tracking, stole a Zamboni and ran down a clown. This sort of behavior is typically expected from SUBJECT 5, but lately since SUBJECT 4 began taking Ritalin, her focus has improved. Her teacher reports academic improvements in line with—and in some instances, superseding—SUBJECT 5. While not considered as big of a threat to this country compared to SUBJECT 5, she is well on her way to becoming as much of a danger to humanity. We will monitor her closely.

SUBJECT 5 (Willa, pretty sure she’s blond) scares us. Seriously, she’s six years old, and already capable of performing limited nuclear fission in the bathtub. Distance learning is said to be a challenge for many children, but SUBJECT 5 has embraced it. Based upon past performance, she’ll be reading at a grade level one-to-two years beyond her eldest sister by June.

SUBJECT 4 is also improving. The math app their school uses for distance learning has her working on multiplication. As a First Grade student. SUBJECT 5 is not far behind. SUBJECT 3 is concerned that she may not be “the smart one,” even though in her program she’s considered quite capable. Expect this friction within the family to increase, with possible ramifications for OPERATION RAMROD, as well as OPERATION BULLETPROOF CUP and PROJECT TACO TRUCK.

SUBJECTS 1, 3, 4, and 5 have been studying German. Thankfully COVID-19 hit before they could flee the country and begin a new life in Europe. They purchased roundtrip tickets to Frankfurt, but our sources indicate this was a ruse, and they had no intention of returning. We briefly assumed they were on to our surveillance, but they have made no move to run away again. In lieu of their European adventure, the family travelled to Lopez Island in the San Juans during the pandemic. While we assumed they would be meeting their various cohorts during this “vacation,” it was hard to differentiate who they made contact with, and who they were gesturing to randomly. Apparently waving at approaching vehicles is a time-honored tradition on that island. We tried tailing the first few “wavers,” but those investigations led nowhere.

Not long after, a massive brush fire started north of their home. Rumors of SUBJECT 4 setting the fire proved erroneous. We were forced to cease operations when the local police evacuated everyone in the neighborhood. We attempted to return to reposition our listening devices, but law enforcement was patrolling regularly and we didn’t get an opportunity. The THURMANS stayed with their Taiwanese contacts in Puyallup for several days. We’re investigating their hosts, but so far they appear to be completely normal civilians.

Again, SUBJECT 2—the dolt, as we refer to him in the van—seems to be completely oblivious to what is going on under his nose. It’s possible SUBJECTS 1, 3, 4, and 5 are poisoning him, though we have no proof. If we’re being honest, we wouldn’t blame them.

While this pandemic has obviously impacted our ability to effectively monitor the activities within the Thurman home, hopefully the coming vaccine will allow them to leave the residence long enough for AGENTS WIENER and SCHWAB to retrieve and replace the faulty bugs in the bedrooms, the kitchen, and the dungeon.

As suggested, we’ve begun reinforcing our armor plating. Any advice and council you can give us regarding how we proceed from here will be met with annoyance and laughter.

SPECIAL AGENT CINDY KLAUS

…end report